What does a girl do when she’s held up in her apartment due to the 100+ degree weather and boyfriend being out of town?  She catches up on all her stories on Bravo (Rachel Zoe Project & Housewives of N.J.), makes real meals for herself (Chicken & Tortellini Lemon Soup, Homemade cocoa, Lemonade with Mint), Sews, annnnnnnd window shops on her computer.  It’s horrible.  I honestly wish I could have a whole new wardrobe but unfortunately my wallet and I differ on the subject. Watching the newest Rachel Zoe episode tonight just made my eyes drool over all of the gorgeous clothes, shoes and accessories.

I use to buy Vogue all the time in high school, it felt as though I was buying a little piece of the far off dream; a beautiful, sophisticated, fashionable lifestyle that I could only hope to be a part of one day.  Now buying a Vogue or any other magazine comes with a multitude of other things I could or should probably buy instead.  I think I might subscribe before the year is up because I would like to look forward to getting something in the mail and it would be a great excuse to sit, make a martini and escape from real life, even if just for 75-100 pages.

Until then I will continue to gawk at the dresses, shoes, hats and jewelry that I can not afford through my lovely computer.  Although I should mention I caved at 1 a.m. Sunday (couldn’t sleep) and bought a new pair of shoes, two-tone oxfords.

Oxfords from shopruche.com

]]> http://quitethepear.wordpress.com/2010/08/04/in-need-of-a-little-retail-therapy/feed/ 0 quitethepear 2469 http://quitethepear.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/the-d-word/ http://quitethepear.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/the-d-word/#comments Tue, 13 Jul 2010 03:11:19 +0000 quitethepear http://quitethepear.wordpress.com/?p=134 ]]> Damn! Donkey! Dilly-Dally! Daisy!

Divorce.

Image from ocaladivorcehelp.com

Yup. After 26 years of marriage my parents finally got a divorce.  I say finally because this has been a long time coming.  Years of walking on egg-shells, me mediating their arguments, plates crashing, and insults flying.  Surprisingly the last 4 years have been the better, but that’s from my point of view, not theirs.  But here is my dilemma.

I don’t know how to feel or what to think.

I feel resentment towards my dad for telling me his marital woes from the time i was 13 up to now (I’m 22).  I know this may sounds cold but I am not a therapist!  I am not your best friend!  I am your daughter and can not solve adult problems for you.  He drug me into this last mess and it almost feels like the last straw.  I feel like such a hypocrite that he pays for my college and car insurance because if I had the option, I would prefer he payed for nothing, but with my 300$ in the bank I don’t have that luxury.  I also resent the way he refers to how my mother treated my brother as though my brother was the only one who went through those hard times.  I guess he forgets that since I am 5 years older than my sibling that I have 5 years on my brother as far as putting up with hard times is concerned.  I hate excuses. I hate that he makes excuses for my 17 year old home-school drop out of a brother, who has never had a job or respect for anybody.

And as far as my mother is concerned, yes I remember.  I remember her dragging my down the stairs by my hair for sticking my tongue out at her when I thought she wasn’t looking.  Or when she quit talking to me for 3 months when I took my dads side (note my father also quit talking to me during this time, which is why I no longer pick sides), or when she took away all my belongings and left me with a mattress, beat me with belts, screamed at me for hours, shoved a table into my side, trashed my room and then made me clean it up . BUT who am I to complain?

The difference here is this.  Growing up I never had anybody say “poor kim.”  Nobody felt sorry for me or made excuses for me.  I was told to “quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Simple enough right?  I do realize that everybody deals with things differently and am so glad that I moved forward instead of turning my life into a pity party.  But my dad and brother have a lot of issues from all of the emotional and verbal abuse.  I understand that but I don’t understand the excuses that they make for themselves.  I could HATE my mom right now, but I don’t.  I understand that she grew up in an abusive household and probably should have gone through therapy before having me.  I think that the relationship that we have NOW (and we get along great) is more important that constantly trudging up the past.  It’s called past for a reason, it’s over with.

I talked to my grandmother (my dad’s mom) tonight.  She gets it.  She listens.  I don’t understand how my dad can’t hear either of us when we try to talk to him.  I told her I made an appointment to see a counselor to deal with some of my own issues.  Might as well learn from my parents mistakes and seek help with my confusion and anger towards this entire situation and the people in it.  I’m hoping it will help me deal with maybe coping mechanisms or help me figure out how to keep a relationship with my father.

Although I am sure this is NOT a new phenomena for the younger generation(and by younger I mean younger than 22), I still can’t seem to wrap my head around it.  When is posting extremely personal, intimate information on facebook ever ok?

Yes, ironically I have a blog where I write about my life, but luckily none of you KNOW me, my picture is a state, and the info is true but vague enough.  On facebook you are “friends” with a plethora of people who know your name, face, location, birthday, the who, what, when, where and why of your existence and the list goes on.

Annnnd ironically enough the culprit and topic of this post is one from my own lovely line of lineage, my brother.  Posting intimate details about our family in the typically whiny and naive way teenagers do, then not wanting to respond or talk about it after their “friends” comment asking “wutz wrng” (need I remind you that correct spelling isn’t cool), well it’s just plain stupid.

My brother and I are complete opposites.  I’ve always been the organized, punctual one who was held up to ridiculously high standards and have always been easy to guilt into doing more work.  I’ve also had a habit of keeping my emotions extremely private and having what some kind members of my family would describe as a ‘cold’ demeanor.  He, on the other hand, has still never had a job (he’s 17) and already blames the economy, and lacks any enthusiasm or drive towards anything that isn’t his xbox 360.  He is also extremely emotional, and feels the need to save everybody from themselves.  He gets caught up in drama and problems that have nothing to do with him.

Needless to say I have felt the need to keep an eye on him to make sure he stays out of trouble.  Luckily he has no clue that his facebook is open for the world to gander at, so any unsightly personal family info that I see gets reported back to our mother if, and only if it’s pretty outright inappropriate.

Ironically my parents told him this today, I know because while checking his page his status, yet again, said it all.

Enough already!

This is the last week of my 6-week ceramics class.  As expected I am tre exctied.  I made 3 small ceramic figurative sculptures and played with different surface techniques.  Finished some old projects and am continuing to start some new.  Luckily I live right next to the building my class is in and will hopefully have access to it after this week so that I can continue to make work that could be part of my graduating show.

This is also the week that my best friend and the other pear in this blog comes home from Germany for one month.  Not sure how much of her I’ll get to see since her facebook page is already filled with people wanting to meet up with her plus she will be spending time with family.  As long as I see her once I promise not to throw a fit.

My boyfriend has been so wonderful at helping me stick to riding my bike in the evenings (when it’s cooler out).  I know he doesn’t really get a good ‘work out’ on our rides but he still goes and that means a lot.

And to help with the whole eating healthy I’ve decided to cut out juice from my grocery list.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll still drink a glass if offered, but it never lasts long in my kitchen and is just a waste of money.  I really need to drink more water.  PLUS I have discovered a wonderful milk company Shatto Milk Company.  It is by far the best milk I’ve ever had.  A little pricey but I’m willing to pay extra for hormone-free milk that doesn’t make me sick like most other milks do.  I’m also hoping to take a tour of their dairy…and sample their other milk flavors:)

It’s been a productive and almost fun summer, spending time with the boyfriend, making art, visiting art museums and k.c.  These have all been rather healthy distractions from the disfunction that is my family.  I’ve decided to consume my thoughts and time with positive things that help me be a better me.  There is nothing I can say or do that will make my family members smarter, better, and more understanding people.  I had a realization the other day, and all though I’m not all that religious unless it pertains to me hoping to the All Mighty that I pass this or get through that, I realized that everybody involved in the turmoil and emotional roller-coaster that I have been on through-out my life will be dealt with by previously mentioned All Mighty.  Why waste my energy on people who don’t waste their energy on me?  Why even worry about things I can’t control?  I have so much to look forward to, and as sad as it seems, sometimes I feel that certain family members hold me back.  But I’m not worried because good things, they are a-comin’.

The hard part about not having a full load of classes, aside from the lack of financial assistance I get during the summer, is the lack of a schedule.  I’ve let so much of my free time go wasted and I’m determined to slowly break that habit this month. In the last two days I’ve hand-washed a pile of clothes that had needed the extra TLC, deep cleaned my kitchen, living room, bedroom, desks, re-arranged closet, cleaned bathroom, did a load of laundry, mended old clothes and made shorts out of raggedy bottomed jeans AND I went running this morning. Ahhh…feels good.

I’ve also been thinking about my summer ‘to do list.’ Almost everybody has one, and although I’ve been thinking a lot about mine, maybe typing it out might prove more productive…

• Finish McNair Internship & Survive
• Save at least enough to purchase a ticket to Germany  for next Spring!
• Frame several artworks collected from friends or from trips abroad.
• Make magnets for fridge
• Read the Dialectic of Decadence
• Fix Lolita and Fernando’s new bird cage.
• Work on Artist Statement
• Make 9 ceramic figures by the end of summer
• Read at least 1 novel for fun(suggestions anyone?)
• Continue running 3-4 times a week
• Make enough stuff to start an etsy store

Lauren comes home in 2 weeks! I’m so excited because I’ve got something awesome for her!

Anyhow that’s where I’m at, in fact i’ve been living in PauseLandia for the past month and I’m getting antsy, tired, and on the verge of angry.  My family is strange, odd, unusual, and most importantly rather dysfunctional. I remember my early teen years as my parents sleeping in separate rooms, my mother being loud and showy, my father being quiet and my brother being obnoxious.  Needless to say I’m 22 and not much has changed, except that FINALLY everybody has woken up from the strange circus of a family we’ve been living in, and realized that it’s not fun…or working.

I went for christmas with my mother to Panama. The homeland. I was there for 2 weeks and came back for school. She was supposed to come back in February, then she was supposed to come back in late march, then late May (this was when she ended up coming back).  A slew of accusations, he said she said, and a lack of accountability has brought us all to this point.  Which brings me back to the cards.  I feel like I’m almost stuck in limbo and can’t control or say anything to change it.

Today I talked to my mom, she told me about cleaning this, that and the other. She really keeps our house immaculate.  But since she has been home (which is only a week) she has sounded miserable, complaining that she is bored, about cleaning and about the way things are.  I believe her because I saw it all first, how everybody drifted apart and we slowly became room-mates rather than a family.  I tried hinting around at ‘getting professional counseling’ for a while and she just kept saying that she has tried EVERYTHING.  I finally just flat out said it and she said she wouldn’t try that.  Well then I guess she hasn’t tried everything has she?  She plans on returning to her homeland in July and even wants my brother to go with her but he doesn’t want to.  I don’t think he realizes that his interest in Halo and lack of interest with her isn’t helping, or that her lack of socializing outside of her on-line chatting isn’t helping or that my dads’ watching Sci-Fi all day and not getting out of his pajamas isn’t helping.  The funny thing is, no matter how hard I point these things out to them, they don’t see it, they only see what the other person has done wrong.

So that leaves me here, living at my University for the summer (thank god) and waiting for those cards to fall into place so that I KNOW what the heck is going on.  At this point I don’t know who to believe or what to think, but this dog and pony show of making face to each other is driving me crazy.  I thought that when she came back that all my questions would theoretically be answered, but instead they decided to pretend like everything was ‘normal.’  I even asked her if she left, would she not come back, and all she could say is “I don’t know.”  Is it weird for a 22 year old to care what is going on or to want to know? I just need to keep my head down, worry about myself and accept my newly extended stay in PauseLandia for the rest of June…. -Kim

Yes, I know, this post in itself is a bitch note. I am also guilty of bitching. But I hope that others don’t actually see me as the same ball of LOUD negativity as I see Nicole. I just want to scream…LEAVE THE GUY! HE’S A MOOCHER AND A LOSER SO WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIM?

Then I would like to yell… IF YOU QUIT BUYING DOUGHNUTS AND BOXES OF COOKIES, EATING HALF IN ONE SITTING AND THEN THROWING THEM AWAY THEN TWO THINGS WOULD  HAPPEN! YOU WOULDN’T GAIN THE WEIGHT AND FOOD WOULDN’T GET WASTED!

And last but not least I would like to make a giant banner to hang in the classroom that reads… IF YOU HAVE NOT MADE THE EFFORT TO IMPROVE YOUR WORK NEITHER WILL THE TEACHER! SHE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER SO QUIT EXPECTING HER TO BREAST FEED YOU EVERYTHING!

Ahhhh, yea I kind of feel better already. Except that she has now pushed me to the point of not being able to even muster a conversation with her. The silent treatment. It’s not happening out of anger, but rather out of lack of energy to listen to any more complaining. I have waaay more important things in my life to deal with than to listen to her all the freaking time. Plus I’m afraid that the above rant would actually burst from my lips towards her shocked and bitchy face.

I’m sure that she along with many others, will soon be another face I pass in the hallway with out saying hello to, and all the time and conversations that were had will soon be non existent. It’s disappointing but what do you do? -Kim

I am also headed to a “Case Lot Sale” today, now since I have been around the military my entire life, I know nothing else, so I have no idea if they have these at regular grocery stores. But several times a year, the military commissarys have giant tents set up with items in bulk, more than we could ever use I am sure. My mom used to buy everything possible there and we had a storage room in our basement equipped to feed the neighborhood just in case the world ever began to end. Kim can also attest to her nice supply of goodies. (Her dad always bought the 50 pack of fruit-by-the-foot, I got stuck with a 50 pack of creamed corn…yuck).  I am not as crazy about buying things there as my mom was, I stick to the things that are useful: toilet paper, paper towels, laundry detergent. Especially moving every 3 years with the military, I am not trying to keep the same box of tuna packs for 10 years AND have to move it with us! I might splurge on the fruit-by-the-foots however…

It’s 9:45 p.m. and I’m already sitting in my apartment alone, on a Saturday night, with a buzz from drinking, a buzz that will probably be gone in an hour. How did I get this way and WHY am I alone? Well friends let me tell you. I’m a square. Yup, just like in the movie Cry Baby, I’ve got 4 corners and 4 sides. A certified square.

I started the day alone, watching the news, pondering what I would do since school is technically out, summer has literally begun and I am quite frankly alone in my apartment because my boyfriend is visiting his family for the weekend. Yes, this is where I started. Rode my beautiful bicycle around campus, then came back and had lunch, when a friend of mine sent me a text asking if I would like to join her at the park as she painted.  At first I thought no, because all of my supplies are locked in a building I can’t get into at the moment, but then I thought hey, this is my chance to be out of my apartment and NOT ALONE! So I grabbed some sewing projects and a blanket and headed over to the park after lunch. We had a great time, well I did anyways.  She painted while I sewed and we chatted about random stuff. We get along great like that. From noon until about 7 I was actually enjoying myself, being myself, and happy.

Then we went back to her apartment where she lives with her sister and the sisters’ boyfriend.  Again, having a great time until out of nowhere everybody is talking about drugs and ‘coke connections’ and what not. I felt like the odd man out because I don’t do drugs and really didn’t feel like being there if that was what they were going to do. I’m trying not to judge because it is not my place to. Who am I to judge? But I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and almost felt like the people I had been hanging out with all day were no longer in the same room with me.  It was like I was watching the conversations take place outside of my body, yes friends, that is how uncomfortable it made me…because I’m square.

Is it so hard to have a good time without being coked out or is it just me?  Do I have to bear with being uncomfortable if I want to socialize at all? Or, should I just sit in my apartment alone?  I’m confused because I do feel like the girl I was hanging out with is smart, and nice, and funny, and I hope that despite her just graduating that we can be friends in the future, but it’s crap like this that really turns me off from people. -Kim

Hmmm, where to start, where to start.  I had my last final for the semester today, and I was thrilled.  The last couple of days had been spent ‘pretend studying’ in between commercials, checking various e-mails and window shopping.  I get distracted so easily.  Today Summer officially started and although nothing I wanted to do has panned out, I still feel optimistic.  Why you ask?  Well who wouldn’t be with this list of positives…

• Money – Finally learning to pay attention to how I spend my money and what I spend it on./Making a budget and learning to stick to it.
• May 26 – FREE Of Montreal show with friends! (see, I’m sticking to that budget pretty good!)
• Trips to Kansas City – Museum visits, Art Walks, Thrift Store Finds, Sushi and Pie
• Ceramics – Taking this as my summer class, I get to keep making stuff!
• Outdoors - Bicycle trips around town with Joe & Potential camping/floating trips (I’ve never done either of those before!)
• Self – Going to work on my self-esteem, self-image, health, weight, inner and outer happiness.
• Grad School Visits – If any trip across the pond to visit QuitethePears’ co-author and my blonder half Lauren don’t pan out, then I will be taking a mini road trip to visit potential colleges on the east coast.

It’s a small list but it’s doable, and I’m looking forward to it and will consider it a mini vacation and time to rev myself back up again.  I have felt like a bump on a log this semester and I intend on making the rest of this year better! -Kim